Depression… It’s not just a switch one can simply flip and turn off like a light!

If you are reading this, you either are in the same boat as I am, or you are curious as to what a depression sufferer goes through and experiences on a daily basis.
There are many types of depression and they can and sometimes go hand in hand with other (as the people now call it these days) “disorders”.

YES!! I have depression and it accompanies the anxiety I have too, oh yay me!!
It wasn’t until late 2014 that I was diagnosed after two failed suicide attempts that I realised what was wrong with me and yes, I still see it as that — something wrong with me!
I was put on a high dose of medication which I took religiously each and every morning for the next few years until I had the issue with the rupture of my appendix (that is another story in my profile).

My morning routine, the (now) ex husband would wake, I would be out of bed shortly after, make our morning coffee, have my cigarette and pop those 2 little pills that would magically help me through each day.
By the time my ex husband would leave for work, the dishes were already done and the laundry was in the machine being washed.

I would put my music on and I would then start my daily routine, the ritual I did each and every day, just to pass the time. Starting from the top of the house, the bathrooms were spotless within the hour.
Another coffee and cigarette and a slice of toast with peanut butter followed — yes, don’t judge, I’m a peanut butter freak! … and it HAS to be the smooth one.

After my break, I would move onto the bedrooms, everything would be moved once a week, the beds, the pedestal tables, all of it. The vacuum was out, the mop, you name it, I went to town.
Once that was done, of course, I took my usual break, sat at my computer and went through my facebook — yes, at the time I was a facebook nut, I played games, posted anything and everything! That was then.

Next for me, was the other side of the house, the living room, the dining room and the kitchen, all while I’ve already taken out the laundry and it is on the line outside drying. By this time, ha, it’s only lunch time. So what will I do with the rest of my day, all alone at home until my husband gets home from work. You guessed it, facebook! It was either that or watching series or a movie.

This was my daily routine, every day, except for a Monday, Mondays I decided I deserved the day off. Yes, even over a weekend I would still do some sort of cleaning and of course, cooking was my thing too. Ok, not every night, I do admit, my ex liked to braai (what others would refer to as a BBQ), so when he did that, I would make the sides to accompany the meat.

Throughout all those years on my medication, these are the only things I remember, those little pills that I was on, for three years or just over I cannot remember anything else, which is scary. I cannot remember those years of my life. It was like they were taken away from me.

It wasn’t until I got sick, that I somehow came off the medication, because for some strange reason they made things worse, I would have suicidal thoughts, think of the next way I would or could try to kill myself. Wished I was dead after the surgery.

So, for the last 3 years, I have been depression medication free, I deal with this each and every day without my meds and I tell you, it is difficult, no, difficult isn’t even close to what you would call it.
I have a constant fight with my inner self. There are times I wake up in the morning in tears, or I wake up around three times throughout the night.
There are so many times I don’t even want to get out of bed, to even want to do anything around the house.

… and one thing I can tell you, try being a woman, having PMS too, which that all on it’s own is a rollercoaster out of control with our hormones, then adding depression to that too. There are times I will stand in the kitchen, wait for that kettle to finish boiling so I can make my coffee, look at that slice of toast while I’m smearing my peanut butter onto it and think of something, as random as it can be and I will just burst into tears. The hunger will go away, I don’t want to eat anything, I just want to retreat to the comfort of my bed, coffee and cigarette in hand, curtains drawn, complete quiet and darkness.

I sit here, trying to explain as best I can what it feels like, at the same time, holding back tears, “don’t cry, don’t cry”. Those that do not know someone or have not or do not have depression, you cannot possibly understand what it is like. I also can guess those that think “oh suicide, it’s the cowards way out”, oh hell no! I can say, from personal experience, a decision of that magnitude, is not at all an easy one to make.

I once had a family member say to me “how can you be depressed when you live in such a nice house and have such nice things, you’ll get over it”. It’s people like that, those types, that have absolutely NO idea, nor do they understand what it is to have depression.

One thing however, I can say, it takes courage to ask for help, to actually realise there is something wrong and to reach out. Don’t feel ashamed, talk to someone, see your doctor, be diagnosed and treat your depression.
Take it from someone who knows, who has tried different medications, which none that I have found work.

You can get through this, fight, don’t give up!

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I am learning to love myself again. I suffer from depression, anxiety, I'm a survivor. I love making people laugh.

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I am learning to love myself again. I suffer from depression, anxiety, I'm a survivor. I love making people laugh.

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